Supporters of Survivors

From the victim to survivor, campaigner to supporter, law maker to law enforcer… in one way or another sexual abuse affects us all. The after-effects, or legacy of abuse, can be felt by not just the survivor but by his partner, family members, friends and supporting professionals – those that care. This page has been specially written for those very such amazing people (that’s you by the way, and we hope you already know that).

If you’re reading this page then we’re going to assume that someone you know, care for and love is a survivor. We’d like to offer you a very warm and safe welcome to We Are Survivors and say a huge thank you for taking the time to find out how to offer the best support you possibly can. Although you or your loved one might not realise it yet, you have shown immense courage yourself by being here. Thank you so much.

Our mission aims to support everyone affected by the impact of sexual trauma, whether you’re a survivor or you’re one of many other partners, friends, family members and supporting professionals. We believe that recovery should be for all and that no one should be left to manage alone.

This is why your voice, as a supporter, matters too! We want you to feel heard, understood and supported. As a service, we offer therapy to friends, family and love ones.

We also understand that therapy might not be the preferred option for everyone, and so we would like to introduce to you our peer support group: The Nightingale Safe Room.

The Nightingale Safe Room

Our goal for the Nightingale is to provide a safe, non-judgmental and respectful environment where you can feel that you can be yourself and you can comfortably share your own thoughts, feelings and knowledge with others.

The Nightingale could be the place for you if you are going through a hard time and you are having difficulty getting through this alone. By connecting and listening to other supporters, you may find that other supporters have previously faced a similar challenge and found a great way to get through it. It is this shared knowledge and support that can make a real valuable difference and can help you to feel that you are not alone in your situation.

THE BENEFITS OF ATTENDING A PEER SUPPORT GROUP

• Feel validated and validate others’ experiences by showing a mutual understanding.
• Be empowered and empower others by offering emotional and/or practical support.
• Help each other grow and move forwards together.
• Develop your knowledge on how to manage your own wellbeing.
• Increase hope and feel that you are not alone.
• Increase your confidence and resilience to future challenges.
• Be part of a strong support network.

If you would like to refer into the service for therapy, group support or both, please give us a call or email us to find out more information.

E-MAIL: [email protected]

Downloadable Referral Form: Click Here

Nightingale Referral form: Click Here

Supporting Him

There is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to supporting a survivor. Everyone responds to trauma differently, and will break their silence at different points in their journey.

Below are some general ideas to consider when you are supporting a survivor of sexual harms, to help strike the balance between supporting him and ensuring you are taking care of yourself too.

Listen to him

It can be hard to know what to do when a loved one discloses that they have experienced sexual abuse. You may, understandably, have lots of questions. The important thing, especially when he is initially disclosing, is to empower him to speak at a pace that is right for him. You may find yourself wondering why he did not disclose sooner. He may have been scared, ashamed or embarrassed. Perhaps he chose to think it through first, or maybe he wanted to protect you the upset of knowing. He may have only just realised it or admitted it to himself. Whatever the reason, the important thing to concentrate on now is that he trusts you enough to tell you. By listening, and giving him a space to break his silence, you are playing a vital role in his healing journey.

Believe him

You may not want to believe it; the reality that someone you love or care for has been through such a trauma can be difficult to accept. It may feel like you are trying to comfort him in trying to find an alternative explanation for what actually happened. But it is essential that he feels heard and believed, as this will empower him to continue healing. Survivors don’t make up stories of sexual abuse or rape. Let him know that you are open to hearing anything he may wish to share. Although what you hear may be painful and upsetting for you, assure him that you are willing to enter those difficult places with him.

Support him

Avoid questions that might make him feel ashamed or defensive such as ‘how did you let this happen?’ or ‘why didn’t you fight back?’ He is not to blame for what happened to him. Blame lies only with perpetrator. It is important that he feels supported as it is likely that he is feeling extremely vulnerable. Remind him that you are there for him and that you are ready to hear what he needs to navigate this difficult period in his life. You may think he should report the offense or take action in some way. Whilst you can encourage this, the decision must come from him. He has been through something where he did not have control.

Now he does. Whether he reports or not, whether he seeks professional support or not, the best way you can help him after this experience is to support him and empower him in the decisions he makes.

Reassure him

Reassure him that he has your full support and tell him that you’re happy give him the time he needs to work it through. Make it clear that you will be around to talk to now or in the future and help him to trust you by not pushing him into conversations he’s not ready to have. You may find that at times he is open to speaking candidly, and other times he may close up again. Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it is not uncommon for a survivor’s openness around the topic to oscillate. It is completely natural to feel anger at the fact that someone you care about has experienced something like this.

It is important that, if you are feeling angry in the moment, that you reassure him that you anger is not directed at him.

Be kind to yourself

It is important to recognise that supporting a survivor on their journey is not easy. It can bring up a lot of difficult and even distressing emotions: anger, guilt, regret, confusion, shock. These are all completely understandable and expected. Knowing that someone you care about went through such a terrible ordeal can lead you to experience what is known as vicarious trauma – the trauma of coming to learn about the bad experiences of someone you love and witnessing their reaction to that. It can leave you feeling powerless, unsure of what to do, especially when all you might want to do is take their pain away. This in of itself is traumatic and upsetting to experience.

The key thing to remember is to make sure you are taking care of yourself; this will put you in the best position to take care of him. There is support out there for you too.